


All That Matters

by aflawedfashion



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8503015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: Nolan's thoughts as he approaches the Mayor's office upon his return to Defiance in season 3. Based on the quote, "When I was climbing those stairs, I was praying one thing, one thing only, that you were still behind that desk."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set in 3x01, after Nolan wakes up in the snow and returns to Defiance.

When I was climbing those stairs, I was praying one thing, one thing only, that you were still behind that desk.

\-- Joshua nolan

 

“You stay in the car,” Nolan said to Irisa as he slammed the door shut, trying to bury the sense of dread that was building in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to do this. He didn't want to walk into that building only to find his whole life had been turned upside down and he’d missed it.

Nolan took a deep breath, trying to force himself to stay calm, but that irritating sense of dread was quickly consuming his entire body, and his hands curled so tightly into fists that his fingernails were digging into his palms, but he hardly felt it.

This desolate scene was not what he had hoped to find as he drove towards Defiance.

After he woke up freezing and covered in snow, he was so thankful to see that arch, to be so close to home, to safety, to heaters and blankets. He just wanted to sit down and have a glass of scotch with Amanda in the NeedWant and then sleep for a few days, but now that felt like a quaint fantasy. Now, he felt like a ghost walking among the ruins of his former life. Yesterday, even with the E-Rep occupation, he knew this town was his home, and today, whenever today was, something felt deeply wrong. It felt like the life had been sucked out of the entire town.

How long had he been gone?

And where was Amanda? How could she let this happen? Why would she let the stasis nets go down when she knew that would open the town up to hellbugs, raiders, the VC… countless threats that would love to to take their home and rip it to shreds with no remorse? Unless she didn’t let this happen. Unless she left with the E-Rep.

No, he knew Amanda wouldn’t leave Defiance to die. She would never abandon her town or her people. So if she wasn’t here, she didn't leave by her own choice.

Unless...

Nolan squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples, careful not to touch the cut on his right side. His headache was getting worse, and he needed to stop thinking before his darkest thoughts got the best of him, before his imagination had him placing flowers over Amanda’s grave.

“She’s strong,” he mumbled under his breath, pushing away all other thoughts.

He took another deep breath before opening his eyes, and as the the world came back into focus, he realized Irisa must have been watching him stand frozen next to the car looking like the idiot she always thought he was.

He glanced back at her, and she shook her head questioningly, so he flashed what he hoped was a reassuring smile before turning to face the Darby building.

As he looked up, the first positive thought he’d had since they passed the powerless stasis nets crossed his mind, and he couldn’t stop a smile from breaking out on his face. Those pretentious chupping E-Rep banners were gone.

The Earth Republic had really left Defiance, and no matter how open that left this town, he was so glad he could forget about them and stop spending every day feeling like he was selling a part of his soul by working for them.

And if anything was right about life in Defiance after the Earth Republic, Amanda would be back in charge instead of Niles Pottinger. The last thing he wanted to do was walk into the mayor's office to find that smug jackass staring at him.

He needed to find Amanda behind that desk where she belonged with a glass of scotch in her hand and her hair in a braid. They needed to resolve everything that had happened between them and make sure their relationship was still ok. The last time he saw her, he knew she was doing what she needed to do to keep people safe. It's what he admired so much about her, and he needed to tell her that.

When he said he understood that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, he wasn’t lying. He just needed to make sure he did everything he could to save his baby girl before letting the pragmatist in him take over. Yes, it hurt that she didn’t take his side, but he understood. He would have done the same thing if he were in her place, and this didn’t change how he felt about her. She was still the only person other than Irisa that he would let himself trust, and he couldn’t stand to lose her.

Of course, maybe all of that was resolved. Maybe the whole thing was long forgotten. Maybe he was long forgotten.

Even though he felt like it was only yesterday that he last saw her, every sign said it had been much longer, long enough for everything to have changed. He couldn’t tell if it had been five months or five years, but he sincerely hoped he had not lost five years of his life.

“Shit,” he mumbled as he once again turned to look back at Irisa.

“What are you doing?” she asked, her voice muffled by the closed door.

“I’m going! I’m going now.”

He watched her begin to roll her eyes as he turned and finally began walking towards the building, still failing to push the negative thoughts out of his head.

The sky was bright and clear, but the frigid air smelled of burning rubber and the noiseless streets made the crunching snow beneath his feet seem as loud as thunder, but he needed to keep walking. He needed to ignore the fact that if he had stumbled into this town however many years ago, he would have said Irisa was right to think this place wasn’t worth saving, but now it was his home. Now, as long as Amanda was behind that desk, he would stay and fight for it no matter what.

He just needed to talk to Amanda.

Amanda.

He just needed to think of Amanda because she was all that was important right now. No matter how bad it looked out here, the only thing he cared about in this place was her. As long as she was ok, they could deal with whatever had happened, and whatever was coming. Together.

Together, they would be ok. They would fight for her town, for their home.

As Nolan approached the entryway, he made one last attempt to reassure himself that the streets were just empty because it was so chupping cold outside, and the statis nets were down because of some fluke, and it would be back up in minutes.

Reaching his hand out to open the door, he pictured the Casti receptionist who always greeted him with a smile and the grumpy old human security guard who was just waiting it out until retirement. He could practically hear the chants of the protestors with their bright signs crowding the lobby, but as he swung open the door, the sight that greeted him crushed every one of his hopes.

There was no receptionist, no protesting, no sign of life. There was nothing but a haunting stillness. Even the receptionist had been replaced with a sign that read, “Ring bell for service” above a little metal bell that looked like it had been dragged out of the remains of old St. Louis.

Walking towards the back of the building, Nolan craned his neck and turned in a circle to see if there was anyone he missed, but there was no one here. This was quite possibly one of the eeriest experiences of his life.

Was there even anyone left in this town?

No, he reassured himself, the town wasn’t completely deserted. There had been an Irathient man walking down the street as he pulled up. He didn’t imagine that… or did he?

“Jesus, it’s freezing in here,” he said out loud to nobody as he shook his arms, and turned to the back corridor where the staircase was. His car was warmer than this building.

As he tried not to wonder why the heat would be turned off in the most important building in the town, an emergency light flickered in the corner, taking his attention away from his physical discomfort.

“Ok, that is how a horror movie starts,” he said, still speaking out loud to no one. The simple act of speaking made Nolan feel less worried he was about to be brutally murdered, less worried about what he was going to find upstairs.

With every passing second, he felt increasingly nervous, but then he saw the name “Amanda Rosewater” in blocky white letters on the building directory, and a faint smile crossed his face.

“Please be here, Amanda,” he said under his breath as he approached the stairs, clinging to the sliver of hope that he had gained by seeing her name on the wall. That tiny bit of hope was all he had to counter every other piece of evidence that said this whole town might be lost.

“Please, let her be here,” he whispered to whoever would listen, to God, Irzu, Rayetso, archtech masquerading as a god. Whoever could make sure she was safe, that's who he needed right now. “Let her be ok.”

He prayed for her with each step, but as he entered the silent hallway leading to her office, he was having trouble holding on to hope. There were no flowers in the doorway, and he still hadn’t seen a single security guard to protect her from whoever happened to walk in.

But then he heard a noise.

She was in her office.

Nolan sighed in relief, the tension falling from his body, and he looked up. “I owe you,” he said. “Whichever one of you protected her, I’ll buy you a drink when I get up there.” He winked. “That is, if you let me in.”

Nolan turned the corner to see Amanda holding a gun in her hands and looking at him like she was staring at a ghost.

“Sure you can spare the bullets?”


End file.
